Dirtbag on [excerpts] mode.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA. around 7:30 PM, couch.

After I told Kiely that I’m leaving and that I hafta [sic] leave and that send my greetings to Jeric’s birthday, I went to the bathroom.

There’s a part of me that stays in the U.S. no matter what.

I think that with each plane we board and each flight we take sends us to a whole new world.

For me, New York and Mountain View are two different places from two different worlds. I dunno [sic] - maybe such places need to be linked by land - like, I need to drive from New York all the way to California just so for me to be convinced that they are on the same world. On the same land. On the same goddam country.

I went to the bathroom, looked at myself with hands stretched from the bathroom basin, leaning to the mirror. There I told myself, mentally, that I’m not ready for Manila.

I don’t want to do this.

If only I have other options. If only..

-

My one and only journal entry at my Muji planner (bought somewhere in Tribeca). Uhh, it’s really emotional. I was scanning my planner a while ago just to check my schedule and this pencil-written thing got my eyes for a long while.

It’s not really that I’m not nationalistic or anything, or that I lack patriotism towards my country. I have my personal reasons for my wanting to stay there: my parents are there, most of my cousins and close relatives are there. I sort of liked the way I live there, though of course I still love jeepneys and the malls and my friends there and the boozefests and the texting and everything I usually do here in the Philippines.

What makes me sad is the fact that I can’t get the best of both worlds. At that moment, I don’t have any option but to leave for Manila. Neither my Dad nor I liked the idea - we actually hated the idea of going back to Manila (the truth is, we don’t really want to go back to reality and face our real lives again). My aunt’s driving us to the airport and I sort of groaned in disgust and told him that NO, I DON’T WANNA DO THIS. Sino bang may gusto? Kung ako man, ayoko nang bumalik eh, Dad said. But it’s a one-way ticket.

We really, really would love to stay there forever.

But of course, if we would be staying there forever, then maybe we should conclude and finish everything that’s left in here. We can’t keep them hanging around anyway.

I told him on the plane that next year, if I’d have even the slimmest chance to study there at ANY COURSE/DEGREE or even get part-time jobs and fund my tuition - I’d do it. I’d do everything just to see my sisters and my mother everyday. I’d do everything, virtually everything just to be there. I’d be a gasoline guy, a 7-11 cashier, a hotdog vendor, a service crew of some diner, I’d do it.

I’m more than desperate to be there.

I’m more than desperate to be there just to taste my sister’s dishes, wait for my niece Gabbi and walk her home, hug my Mom and talk to her, walk with her on the subway, fetch her to work. Everything, just everything.

I’m more than desperate to be there. I don’t want Billabong T-shirts or new pants or a new camera or a Macbook (wait, I’ll think about that). I just want to be there. Be with my family. Strip me naked or anything, I just want to be there. Strip all my luxuries in life, just let me stay there. If that means sacrificing my friends and my college contacts and even blogging events (lol) and even my organization, I’d do it. I’d erase all of them from my mind.

I just want to be there. Right now.

This post is tagged: 7-11, Billabong, MacBook, Manila, Mountain View, Muji Planner, Tribeca