Apr 22, 2009
Ctrl + Alt + Delete
I’m having a writer’s block these past few days. I’d log-in to my Wordpress account, click the Write tab in the topmost panel, and stare at it for minutes. I did the poem in the previous post out of mild agitation of letting out things. There are other things–such as shifting courses–which bothers me so much. It keeps on swirling in my head, never escaping, to the point of almost relenting to my decision.
I love risks.
Dad: What are the chances that you can shift to Communication Arts?
Kevin: Like, 70-30. 70 positive. 30 negative.
Dad: That’s quite big.
Kevin: I like it risky, Dad. (The exact words I said was, “Ayos nga yun eh. Risky.”)
I’ve been waiting for things to fall on the right place, and now that the bullets have been triggered, I think it’s time for me to risk things. When I told the Department about my shifting, they said it was a do-or-die decision. (My writer’s block goes off easily, eh?) I said, fine, goddamn it.
I did the shifting even if I’m not even sure if the Department of Humanities will accept me.
The risk is actually huge: if I will not be accepted–or to put it simply, rejected–in the course I am shifting to, then I’ll be what they call a “floating student.” Dad could be immensely disappointed with my risk-taking attitude that I’d probably be off in another university. Mom could be easily put off with hastily-made decisions; my sisters would reprimand me for my half-baked practicality.
Dad wants me to take Agricultural Economics since it’s practical. Jobs are there. The Economic Meltdown is still out there bankrupting businesses. Mom, however, insists–with my sisters echoing in the background–that I should take Physical Therapy. The world never runs out of sprained people, they said, and that a medical course is best for me.
I never (without exaggeration) thought Dad would be so practical. Why are we so goddamn practical, without even considering the things we want? Academically speaking, it’s not expensive–not even a luxury–to pick the course you want. It was never a luxury for most people. It’s just that my parents and my sisters wanted me to take… Physical Therapy? Economics?
The chains of practicality.
I want to do what I want to do. I want to be what I want to be.
It’s funny, but that’s what I’ve been fighting for ever since High School; ever since I had doubts with the existence of a supreme being; ever since I had doubts about a million things in life, without even the courage of asking, of inquiring people about it.
I want to be a writer, a photographer, and I don’t goddamn care if there’s no money in it. I don’t care if they think tattoos are dirty, immoral, even obscene. I don’t care if anklets, too, make me look indecent. I don’t care if a college dropout’s future looks bleak for other people. I just want to be taught how to write, how to express myself, how to communicate myself freely.
When I was a kid, I dreamed of being a painter. It was silly but I imagine myself in a cramped house painting, not even earning money, just mixing colors in a palette, probably engaged in sidelines to fund my canvasses, oil paints. I hadn’t thought of money not because we have it, but it just wasn’t the factor I considered in getting a job (or at least, in composing that dream in my mind).
Here I am, fast-forward.
Practicality nagging at me, passion nagging at me. They tell me things. I go for my passion. Cliche as it may sound, we only live once and we have to make the most out of it. I shudder at the thought of myself working in the hospital, tired, heaving a sigh and telling myself point-blank that I don’t like what I’m doing. I shudder at the thought of telling my son or daughter to be a writer–begging them to, fucking please, do it for me.
That’s the last thing I’d do, really.
Me, I just wanted to play the guitar. But I hate the stage and the people watching me, I sucked too. Then I wanted to own an internet cafe/hobby shop. But I had no money and nobody would want to help me. So practicality got better of me and I worked in the hospital -though still the black sheep cause I didn’t work as a nurse like the rest of my family.
Honestly, it’s a fun job. This is where you’d see all sorts of people come together. The high and low, the rich and poor, the pretty and ugly, priests and gangsters. They’re all equal here. The place is actually a treasure trove of character study.
at last, kevin! anyone who’s been reading you knows that writing/expressing yourself in some way IS your bliss. now you’re taking steps to follow that bliss. it’ll be one of your best life decisions, i think. don’t stop writing! :)
@Gibbs: I hope so, Gibbs, that this’d be one of my life’s best decisions. I really hope so. :)
@Skron: It’s nice of you to appreciate what you’ve been doing–even if, initially, it wasn’t included in your plans. :D
But you should still play the guitar! Hehe.
“The world never runs out of sprained people” winning line.
kung ano ang nasa puso mo, sun-din mo - sexbomb
i won’t throw in my cliched two cents’ worth as i know you’re and intelligent mature enough to think for yourself. whatever path to trudge on though, the best of luck dude!
gawd…i hate commenting when im really about to doze off. too many typo’s. tsk tsk.
let me run that by you again…
i won’t throw in my cliched two cents’ worth as i know you’re intelligent and mature enough to think for yourself. whatever path you decide to trudge on though, the best of luck dude!
@Billy: LOL I know. :p May sense din pala ang Sexbomb songs kahit minsan?
@Lio: Thanks!
It’s like you took everything I’ve ever felt about college and wrote it all down here. Mostly. We really do have the same dilemma.
The risk is actually huge: if I will not be accepted–or to put it simply, rejected–in the course I am shifting to, then I’ll be what they call a “floating student.” –> ganun pala yun? I thought you’d be reverted to your current course. Or is this an elbi thing? Gawd, I dunno.
You can still be a writer or a photographer no matter course you choose. ;) It’s not defined by college entirely.
And practicality vs. passion. That’s tough, because let’s face it… In reality, when the future comes, we really do need the money. But I say go for what you want. If there’s enough passion, the money (and the rest) will come by … even if not quite easily. But it WILL come by.
Ohgeez. I guess almost all of us are being nagged by our parents do take the path that they want for us, huh. … Well, I managed to gain my parents’ (or, parent’s, actually, it’s just my Dad doing the nagging) approval of me shifting to Accountancy next year. How? Well, I managed to land myself in BS Math, and when I told him I’d rather not switch to Eng’g (which was *his* choice), he told me that even accounting is all right with him, basta wag lang daw ituloy yung BS Math. T___T
My plan back then was follow his choices and when I get filthy rich, I’d pay for my own tuition and I’d study the course that I really want. … But there’s no guarantee that would happen. Still, it’s a *lovely* thought. :p
i had that practicality vs. passion thing too, before i entered college. everyone in the family was seducted by the, uh, wowowee principle of being a nurse, going abroad, returning with a lot of dollars, and guesting in wowowee or something. well, yeah, that would be good, i said, but since i won’t be doing what i want, that would be no good after all.
so i’m in communication arts now in ateneo. so far my luck hasn’t run out, and i hope the same goes for you. :D
Don’t worry about school too much. Shifting careers later is always a possibility.
A friend of mine decided that he wanted to be an airline pilot after earning a degree in computer science. And now he’s one.
Wow, long comments! :D
@Cars: It’s an ELBI thing, I think. In Diliman, there’s no such thing as a floating student. Heh.
“It’s not defined by college entirely.” Exactly. But its being a prelude to a future career makes me reconsider that statement.
@Redg: BS MATH!? Where, exactly? Dugo.
It’s a lovely thought, yeah. But… no offense but I think I’ve wasted years in that case. In the first place, why haven’t I taken the course I want?
@Naxcz: Neat. “Wowowee principle.”
Yeah, I hope my luck won’t run out. I really, really need it.
@Joyfulchicken: Well, yep, but I think it still couldn’t make up the time spent from something I didn’t want.
Oh lordy, that was me a decade ago now! Exactly like that. You know this practicality bullshit, it succeeds by way of guilt trips. If anything, run away and cover your ears.
What I did at the time was I gave it a chance and it permeated my being like water on cottonballs and here I am, 10 years later, wishing EVERYDAY that I should have not. I mean, EVERYDAY, Kevin. So it’s great that you’re giving it this much thought at this point.
Here’s a line by Joseph Campbell: “I only wanted to do what made sense to my interior. I don’t see how you can live otherwise.”
@Markus: I consider this as one of the pivotal choices I have to do in my life, and I hope it’d change the course of things for the better.
:D Cheers!
haha i totally agree with your contentment over a non-economicallyfriendly job. arts is for souls, not bodies.
A confession.
I actually wanted to take Literature as pre-law. They didn’t let me, since it WASN’T fucking practical. They wanted me to take a course that could still land me a (routinary) desk job life with a good income.
Now, a law school reject. I really have little chance to get an MA in Literature, since I took Legal Management, and sure as hell I won’t be happy with an MBA.
I know the feeling, hop in my site I have somewhat the same post as this. I wonder why we always get into confusion when it comes to our careers lalo na when we are almost over the career we initially choose.. Btw are you from Laguna? I grew up there eh, in Calamba. Thanks! :)
yeah. when you’re an artist, you might as well be homeless ;D
@Eilyn: HAHA true, guavabear.
@Homer: Which post? Do you have any link?
I study at UPLB but no, I’m from Bulacan. :D
@Barry: I shall embody that quote you have there. “arts is for souls, not bodies.” true.
@Layla: what happened!? Wah. Haven’t heard from you since ages. :(
Kevin,
what happened was what I told you yesterday through YM. I failed two subjects three times, didn’t make the required average. God. I seriously don’t understand these professors.
So were you able to shift out? :]
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Josh Olson once said, “If someone can talk you out of being a writer, you’re not a writer.” So write, if you will.
Found your blog through the Philippine Blog Awards site. Keep blogging.
@Myk, thanks for that quote! :D Inspiring.
“I want to be a writer, a photographer, and I don’t goddamn care if there’s no money in it.”
I love this line. I can feel you. I’m a writer. I finished my creative writing course this year and am still waiting for some opportunities here in davao. I don’t know. Writing is keeping me down to the point of losing the writing self.
[...] nincompoop… you’re so much better now. I wish we get to meet someday. :) (I love the ctrl+alt+delete entry; I’ve gone through the same thing) MY QUESTION: Favorite book? Only one. [Not sure how [...]